iCane

October 20, 2010

Andrew Hicks

Today we have what a hack television detective would excitedly refer to as “a break in the case.” Obviously, in the 38 days (yes, I am counting) since my ankle popped through my skin, I’ve been hesitant to use phrases with the word “break” in them. But this is a game-changer.

I can walk with a cane now. No more crutches! My mobility status has been upgraded from Invalid to Old-Ass Man. I’m only weeks away from being back where I started, as Sweaty, Outta-Breath Fat Guy You Don’t Want On Your Softball Team. I can’t wait to just be out of shape again.

What I will miss least about crutch transportation is not easily being able to carry anything from point A to point B. If it didn’t fit in my pocket or hang in a plastic bag, the only way to move, say, a dinner plate was to take one step at a time and switch the carried plate from one hand to the other with each step. It was a slow process and, I might add, hilarious for second and third parties to watch.

Sadly, the Neck Basket does not actually exist.

It’s too bad the Neck Basket is a hoax and not an actual infomercial-shilled product. It looks like the shower caddy I used in my college dorm days, only suspended from a neck chain. Just like the Medic Alert bracelet I mentioned yesterday, the Neck Basket is a product I would have considered utterly useless until Ankle Break 2010 made it utterly useful.

Plus, I could wear that thing out in public, attach a placard with a simple, hand-written, all-caps sob story underneath, and accept crumpled cash donations in it. Thing would pay for itself in no time.

The crutches are behind me — like the hospital stay, the leg cast and the walker — and I look forward to seeing what kind of odd search engine terms lead people to my blog now that the cane-walking era is upon us. WordPress, my blog host, has a complete list of the typed-in phrases that have led readers to this corner of cyberspace. These are the:

TOP TEN CRAZIEST ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS THIS BLOG MATCHES

10. fiberglass leg cast kid
9. diaper stories catalogued
8. beard growing blog itchy
7. tosh.0 one legged salsa dancer
6. body clock diary
5. amputee fantasy crutching
4. leg brace and crutch erotica
3. miley cyrus air ankle leg cast
2. tinky winky purple gay teletubbie
1. she put nine diapers on me stories

We’ve come a long way since the days of the public library card catalog. If I remember my Dewey Decimal System correctly, “She Put Nine Diapers On Me Stories” is 812.45 in the stacks. I did a research paper one time, long story…

Search engines should install the opposite of an adult sites blocker. If people who want porn sites are searching nasty terms and end up on my PG-rated blog, obviously that’s a waste of their time and it makes me look bad. I don’t want the “There goes the neighborhood!” effect to lower my blogosphere property value. So why can’t there be a content filter that eliminates straightforward comedy writing from matching pervy Google queries? I just want to go back to writing innocent posts about poop, pee, puke and rubbing bars of soap in my ass crack for a wholesome, God-fearing audience that’s into that sort of thing.

BABY PICTURE OF THE DAY

Sarah and Silas, ready for travel.

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6 Responses to “iCane”


  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Laurie Edwards, Miley Cyrus Talk. Miley Cyrus Talk said: iCane http://twlv.net/4e1EaO […]

  2. Andrew Hicks Says:

    Really glad your mobility is improving and I’m enjoying the pee, poo, puke and butt crack soap stories. But I gotta admit I get a little sentimental when I think back to the days the pee jug made it’s mandatory appearance in every blog. Was really considering buying one for myself till I read about this neck basket and now I want it. Darn you and your non-necessity accessory pushing self.

  3. dadsdaytime Says:

    I miss the pee jug too. Especially when I first wake up. But it really ran its course. I’m in negotiations to get the jug to make an appearance on the Dad’s Daytime Diary Christmas special.

  4. Kate Hayes Says:

    OK – the post itself was pretty funny. But when I got to the point where you were actually commenting back and forth to yourself…I actually LOLed. Really is an LOL an actual LOL. Nice.

    • Kate Hayes Says:

      I meant to write rarely, not really.

    • dadsdaytime Says:

      I’m glad to hear you actually L’d out loud at the dueling Andrew Hicks comments, but I have to ruin it for you. The first comment was written by a reader whose name actually is Andrew Hicks. I got bored on Facebook one day and searched for other people with the same name as me. 63 matches, but only a couple seemed interesting enough to friend request. This one turned out to have a little girl and boy and many of the same sensibilities. He’s left a couple blog comments here and there too. But it wasn’t me being brilliant by playing around with my own comment section. I kinda wish I woulda thoughta that, though.


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